Stuff

Life is just going along.  Not much happening – work, gym, hanging out. 

I did have a brainwave last week and thought, since my old running buddy is coming home for Christmas, we should do a fun run together.  Discussed it with him and we decided on the Mountain to Surf at Lorne. 

I’ve done it a few times and that mountain is a killer.  I couldn’t run it when I was fitter so it will surely kill me now.

Still it’s a good motivator.  My worst time for the run is just under an hour (8 km) so I hope I can still manage less than an hour now.

The lurve situation has disapated – no calls. no nothing!

Not losing weight on Lite n’ Easy — maybe a few too many extras — but not gaining either and at least I don’t have to cook.

Oh yeah, and I’m going to Japan for a hol in Dec (5 days), thanks to super cheap Jetstar flights.  I think I have a slight addiction.

This Week

I’m on my second week of Lite N Easy.  I haven’t really been able to judge the result cos the day I started, the scales were being stupidheads and having one of those bleepy days that drive you nuts.  That means technically I’ve lost 3 kgs but I don’t think it’s that much in reality!

I’d have had a much better result if I’d not been drinking so much.  I rarely go out drinking but I’ve been out last Friday, Saturday and Sunday then this week on Thursday and Friday.  Not good for weight loss but  figure it’s not happening all the time (the rest of the weekend is going to be alcohol free) so I may as well make the most of social time. 

I am starting to break some bad habits – before I was getting something from the charity chocolate box every arvo as well as an after dinner treat plus having a turkish bread toastie for lunch, and often buying dinner.  At the moment, I’m mainly sticking to the plan. 

Some days I am still hungry so I have something else to eat – like a sushi roll with lunch or maybe something extra at night.  I was starving on Wednesday, maybe because I have personal training tuesday night so figured I needed something more.  It’s no big deal.  the potion sizes are small but I’m finding that even if my eyes say they are too small, my belly is satisified.

After this week, I’m changing from the 1200 calorie plan to the 1500 plan.  I’ve been taking it easy at the gym, easing into it after being sick, so not exercising as much as usual so I ‘don’t to eat as much but from next week, I want to get back into some serious training.  I figure if I don’t need to eat all the food if I don’t need it but it’s good to have there instead of having to look for something healthy when I need more.

The personal training is killing me… lol.  I can definitely feel the results, esp in my arms.

As for the guy thing, I had to laugh at the comment

It looks to me like “he’s just not that into you”.

Why invite you out at the last minute then turn up with a mate???

Until I read that, it never occured to me I did almost the same thing — the first time we went 0ut (not including the night we met) he’d called to see if I wanted to go for a drink some time.  I’d been sick so wasn’t going out that weekend but ended up at a bar near home with my sister and some friends on the Sunday night (there was a festival on in our street).  I sent him a text to see if he wanted to join us and he turned up about 30 minutes later.  He sweemed a bit shy at first but was absolutely charming to my friends (including the 10 or so random ones that turned up during the night).

I can’t knock him for doing something I’d already done myself.

Anyway, last weekend he said he’d call me late in the week and he called Thursday night.  We went out for drinks.  Since I live above the cafe and all the cafe staff go to the local bar, I suggested going somewhere else so we could be alone.  It was good to just sit and talk.

When he didn’t call me for 2 weeks it nearly drove me mad but I think a lot of that was my own issues.  I don’t know about other people but sometimes I get caught up in this whole thing where it’s not just ONE guy not calling but he’s like a representative of the whole male sex and if he doesn’t find me attractive then no guy does! 

I feel much calmer about things now.

I think he has a lot going on in his life and I’m not top priority.  But then I have a lot going on my life and I know he’s not the love of my life or anything like it.  Still I like hanging out with him and we have fun together.  He’s a really good person.

Update

I can’t type properly cos I got fake nails on Saturday.  I’m kinda handicapped and stuff now.  They look cute though.

Lite n’Easy has been going good, foodwise but a bit pointless when I’ve been going out drinking every night, well except tonight cos it’s Monday and I had personal training instead.

So, Saturday night the dude called.  I had my phone switched off and was in bed really early but around 11 woke up and decided to check if he’d called me.  He had.  He wanted to know if I wanted to go for a drink so I went.  No chance to talk cos he had his mate with him.  It was kinda weird.  I met the mate the first time I met him, and he was a complete douchebag but on Saturday night seemed to be going all out to make a good impression. 

Anyway things are still unclear but then I’m all unclear in my own head.  I have fun with this guy but he’s not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I think I really liked the attention and compliments when I first met him too but that when away fast. 

I think I mentioned too that I have the thought in the back of my head that I will most likely be heading overseas so there is no point starting anything.  It’s really getting to me – not the guy thing but this whole moving overseas but not really knowing if it’s really going to happen or when.  All this year I’ve had to take that into consideration every time I make a decision – what job to take, where to live etc.  It’s like my life is in a holding pattern.

Anyway, back to the man issue: I think the way to go is to just put myself and my needs first.  If I want to go out and he’s around, then I’ll go out.  If I have other things to do, then I’ll pass.  I’m having an alcohol free weekend next weekend and I’m working at the Melb Marathon early on Sunday so no going out Saturday night.

Love love talk!

The crush:  after seeing the Sunday before last, no contact .  Then last night, around 11 oçlock, got a text to see what I was doing.  Basically he was out with his friends and said me he might call later.  Wasn’t sure how to respond to that so said — make it in the next hour or I’m going to bed.  An hour later, I texted him to see what’s up and he replied saying he’s still out with the guys!!!!  WTF!!!!

I sent him another text today to say I was confused by his messages and I wanted to meet for coffee.  He replied saying he had a bday party on tonight and he’d call me after that.  I told him to make it tomorrow so he says he’s going on a day trip so he’d play it by ear.

I have no idea what’s going on.  There is no way in hell I’m being a late night booty call or whatever.  I’m just leaving it up to him now but it’s kinda hard to have any kind of conversation when it’s all by text.  I’d like to meet face to face (alcohol-free) and say to him – this is what I want, take it or leave it.  Of course, that’s assuming I’ll get the chance to see him other than when he’s out drinking.  

My instincts are saying he’s a nice guy and not just after sex but his behaviour seems to indicate otherwise.

Other stuff:  I started Lite n’Easy on Thursday night.  It’s very hard adjusting to the smaller portion sizes.  I’m not hungry but am suffering mentally!  I’m like a food junkie, writhing around needing my next fix.  It’s really making me realise how much a part food plays in my life.  Not even the eating (although that’s always tops) but more the whole process and ritual — spending the morning at work thinking about what I’m going to buy for lunch, the afternoon thinking about dinner.  All that thinky-ness has been removed. 

I’ve not being doing much exercise.  I had 2 sessions with the PT this week.  Planned to go to the gym on Wednesday, well I went and got almost changed then realised I’d packed odd shoes!!!!  Oops.  Was also going to go to gym last night but was in a shit awful mood and not wanting to be around ppl so walked home from work (around 5km) instead.  Then planned to go today but slept instead – I’ll either go to the gym tomorrow or out for a run (prolly a run cos catching public transport on a sunday is arse).

Down

I’m feeling a bit glum today and not really looking forward to the week ahead.  I think I need to plan  a few fun things to keep my spirits up.  I have 2 pt sessions this week so that’s a start.  I get to hit stuff and that makes me happy.

More about the ‘crush’:  still haven’t heard from him, not sure if I will.  It’s weird because he met a few of my friends last week and they keep asking if he’s called etc.  Everyone who met him is surprised because they all think he seemed to really adore me (I also got that impression).  Men are weird!

Anyway, my question is this – if he calls now, should I go out with him?  I’m kinda pissy about the whole thing but maybe, to him, it’s no big deal. 

To me, if a guy is interested, he’d call or text or something.  Maybe he doesn’t see it that way. 

I’m also thinking that, as you get older, you have to ask yourself why someone is single.  At 25 it isn’t an issue but at 40 it is (even though I’m still single myself – lolz).   There has to be something going on there, some kind of commitment issues or whatever.

Then again, if you met a guy who’s divorced etc then most of the time they have a whole heap of baggage about that. 

It’s been really hard too because even if he contacts me, what can I offer?  I’m moving overseas next year and I don’t plan to change that.  I was actually planning a flow chart of possible relationship outcomes in my head the other day (and had to stop myself from actually making a chart in Visio!) – and none of those outcomes were good!

Hmmm

After my last post, still haven’t heard from the new “crush”.  I sent him a text yesterday and still nothing.  I swear I will never understand men.  They run hot and cold. 

Been having a shit awful week, with pay issues – ie I’ve been working 3 weeks and not been paid.  Lots of people passing the responsibility around and still no $$$.  It’s all very stressful.  I seem to have been copping it lately.  This is the third time, from three different agencies!

On top of all that, I’ve been avoiding the gym, mostly trying to shake off the last of this cold before doing too much.  Was supposed to have a PT session this week but she had to cancel it so I went in and hit the treadmill then hit (literally) the punching bag.  That helped.

Hopefully next week will be much better.

Decisions…

I’ve been thinking about doing Lite N’ Easy.  I’m not one for diet plans or prepackaged meals but at the moment, I just want the convenience.  I don’t want to think about cooking or food or any of that kind of shit.

To tell the truth, since sharing cooking with my sister (we didn’t at our old house), it’s become a bit of an issue – an issue where I end up cooking any meals that are cooked, and often paying for the ingredients as well. 

I get so resentful that I’m like – screw it, I’ll just eat at the cafe! 

On top of that, it’s a PITA to get to the supermarket and I have so much else on that I can’t be bothered.

I figure having the meals there ready to go will be much simplier than trying to motivate myself to do stuff (ie cooking and shopping) that I am really not interested in at the moment.  That way, I can put my energy into fun stuff like gym!

Now, I really want to update the love/crush stuff but I’m a bit scared.  I’m totally over the old crush but someone new kind of just swooped into my life.  I thought I wasn’t interested at first but am realising that I really am.  And now I’m scared that it’s all going to come crushing down in a big, messy heap.  I mean — he hasn’t contacted me in a WHOLE DAY!   Scary, scary stuff!

Real Life

I’m sure by now everyone has read about the whole “real life” model, Lizzie Miller story.  I love it!  Finally a real real woman!

I can handle reading mags with airbrushed models who look nothing like any woman I’ve ever seen before.  That’s fashion, that’s the media.  I don’t look like their models, I don’t buy their overpriced look of the season.  Couldn’t care less about the whole circus.  It’s outside my realm of existence.  They are props for the clothes, nothing else.

What really gives me the shits is when fashion magazines start featuring (and big noting themselves in the process) for having real life models – bully for us, we have a size 14 *gasp* model on our pages. 

The thing is, the size 14 model — the woman I’m supposed to identify with — has a body nothing like mine.  She’s just a larger proportioned version of the regular model.  She doesn’t have droppy arm fat, she doesn’t have squashy bits that gloop out in the wrong places.  If she has a belly, it’s a taut, rounded one not saggy.  Overall, it’s attractive fat.

That makes me feel worse about my body than any stick thin model would.  It’s like I even fail at being fat!  God help me. 

Don’t tell me this is who I am when I know damn well that age and gravity and childbirth and life have made a lie of that.  If you are going to feature real women, make them real.  I don’t want to see digitally enhanced, socially acceptable fat, not the 0.001% of women over a size 10 who feel okay about showing their upper arms in public!

Blerk

Sick again (still).   I just called work and they are a bit cranky – which is kind of understandable since I only started last week and had 3 days off already.  But what can I do?  My throat is insanely sore.  Anyway they said they were going to ring my agency and talk to them about it… hell knows what that means. 

On top of all that, I can’t afford to go to the doctor.  Because I was away last week, I didn’t get my timesheet in.  Well actually no one has shown me how to submit my timesheet!  I still don’t know.  When I rang this morning, they said it had to be in by 10.00 for me to get paid for this week????  I don’t get that.  It was 10.15 when I rang, but how can I put my timesheet in for the week when the week isn’t over? 

That means I’ve not been paid this week, and I won’t be paid next week.  That is really bad and wrong but I’m too sick to deal with it right now.

Blerky blerk blerk

• Still sick and I feel like crap.  My head hurts, my neck hurts.  I don’t want to think.
• I want to sell my car and I have a buyer but discovered Vicroads makes you go through all this crappy shite like getting a roadworthy certificate and bullshit that’s going to cost extra $$$ and be totally annoying.  Why can’t these things be simple?
• I can’t find the dress I want to wear to my birthday drinks tomorrow night.  I think I must have packed it away in a box under the bed somewhere.  I need to find it so it’s not all musty tomorrow.
• I said I’d do some work over the weekend for a guy I used to work for.  I want to get it down tonight so it’s not bugging me that I have to do it but he’s only sent me one of the files I need. 
• I have put on all the weight I lost since I got sick.  That’s like 3 days to undo a heap of work.  I want to just wallow in my lardy wallowing pit.  With cake.