The other day I was sitting at work when I had this moment of … well like a huge cloud had lifted from me.  Since then, I’ve felt weirdly sunnier and in much less of a funk. 

For the past god knows how long… maybe a year even, I’ve not been myself.  Maybe a paler, greyer version of myself like a photocopy when the toner is getting low.

I don’t know where this change has come from, and it’s not like I’ve transformed from Murky Dismal into Rainbow Brite or anything, but it’s a definite change.  It’s more like going from overwhelmed to capable.  Things are all sparkles and joy but that’s okay, I have the strength to deal with it.

For example:

  • weight gain => bad but it’s not permanent.  I know what to do to fix it.  I’ve got a strong, capable body (once this hip problem sorts itself out).  I can exercise, I can build from this.
  • man problem => yeah well it’s never going to be perfect but then he’s not the one, and in the short term, it’s pretty fun.  I have a tendency to get tied up in knots most through wanting validation and approval when I shouldn’t need that.  It’s stupid (and also not fair on him either – it’s not his job to fix my self esteem).
  • crap running/lack of running =>  I’ve been crap before, I’ve been less crap.  I’m actually thinking of taking the pressure off altogether and spend the next 3 months doing other things.  No point feeling like I *have* to run then feeling guilty because I don’t.  It’s only one form of exercise and if I’m not enjoying it then I just need to find something else.  I’m not quitting altogether but not stressing.

OK, it’s lunchtime.  I need to eat some bento and try to get Japanese particles implanted into my brain!

2 responses to “Sunshine

  1. Glad to hear the sparkles are back Kathryn. You bring sparkles to my life through your blog and facebook so it’s good to know you’re also reaping the benefit.

  2. Hurrah for sunny! Maybe the effects of sleep deprivation are finally wearing off? That’s great news 🙂

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