The other day I was sitting at work when I had this moment of … well like a huge cloud had lifted from me. Since then, I’ve felt weirdly sunnier and in much less of a funk.
For the past god knows how long… maybe a year even, I’ve not been myself. Maybe a paler, greyer version of myself like a photocopy when the toner is getting low.
I don’t know where this change has come from, and it’s not like I’ve transformed from Murky Dismal into Rainbow Brite or anything, but it’s a definite change. It’s more like going from overwhelmed to capable. Things are all sparkles and joy but that’s okay, I have the strength to deal with it.
- weight gain => bad but it’s not permanent. I know what to do to fix it. I’ve got a strong, capable body (once this hip problem sorts itself out). I can exercise, I can build from this.
- man problem => yeah well it’s never going to be perfect but then he’s not the one, and in the short term, it’s pretty fun. I have a tendency to get tied up in knots most through wanting validation and approval when I shouldn’t need that. It’s stupid (and also not fair on him either – it’s not his job to fix my self esteem).
- crap running/lack of running => I’ve been crap before, I’ve been less crap. I’m actually thinking of taking the pressure off altogether and spend the next 3 months doing other things. No point feeling like I *have* to run then feeling guilty because I don’t. It’s only one form of exercise and if I’m not enjoying it then I just need to find something else. I’m not quitting altogether but not stressing.
OK, it’s lunchtime. I need to eat some bento and try to get Japanese particles implanted into my brain!