Sunshine

The other day I was sitting at work when I had this moment of … well like a huge cloud had lifted from me.  Since then, I’ve felt weirdly sunnier and in much less of a funk. 

For the past god knows how long… maybe a year even, I’ve not been myself.  Maybe a paler, greyer version of myself like a photocopy when the toner is getting low.

I don’t know where this change has come from, and it’s not like I’ve transformed from Murky Dismal into Rainbow Brite or anything, but it’s a definite change.  It’s more like going from overwhelmed to capable.  Things are all sparkles and joy but that’s okay, I have the strength to deal with it.

For example:

• weight gain => bad but it’s not permanent.  I know what to do to fix it.  I’ve got a strong, capable body (once this hip problem sorts itself out).  I can exercise, I can build from this.
• man problem => yeah well it’s never going to be perfect but then he’s not the one, and in the short term, it’s pretty fun.  I have a tendency to get tied up in knots most through wanting validation and approval when I shouldn’t need that.  It’s stupid (and also not fair on him either – it’s not his job to fix my self esteem).
• crap running/lack of running =>  I’ve been crap before, I’ve been less crap.  I’m actually thinking of taking the pressure off altogether and spend the next 3 months doing other things.  No point feeling like I *have* to run then feeling guilty because I don’t.  It’s only one form of exercise and if I’m not enjoying it then I just need to find something else.  I’m not quitting altogether but not stressing.

OK, it’s lunchtime.  I need to eat some bento and try to get Japanese particles implanted into my brain!