15 years ago

I just found out it’s 15 years ago today that the Sarin gas attacks took place on the Tokyo underground.  I recently read the book, “Underground”, by Haruki Marakami.  In these days, where every tiny little incident is so sensationalised, where we have booming voice overs making the trival epic, this is a quiet book.

For some reason, it really got to me.   Stories of people going about their every day life – geting ready for work, eating their breakfast, saying goodbye to their family and catching the subway to work.  Many of them saw a parcel of newspapers on the floor of the subway car or noticed a strange smell.  One men felt quite ill from it but he’d got a seat on the packed subway and didn’t want to give it up.

Those people didn’t think they were victims of a terrorist attack.  You wouldn’t.  You’d just think “that’s odd” and assume that someone, somewhere would be dealing with it if it was a major incident.

People began getting sick but there was no system in place to deal with it.  This was Tokyo, this kind of thing didn’t happen.  Some of the victims took cabs to hospitals, where the staff had no idea what had happened.  Others went into work.  There was no Jack Bauer swooping down to save the day, no emergency task force to the rescue.

Even 15 years later, some of the victims suffer from the affects of this attack with health and pyschological problems.  It’s horrid to think what a small group of insane people can do – not just causing death and injury, but undermine the trust we feel that our society, and our lives, are safe.

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Sunshine

The other day I was sitting at work when I had this moment of … well like a huge cloud had lifted from me.  Since then, I’ve felt weirdly sunnier and in much less of a funk. 

For the past god knows how long… maybe a year even, I’ve not been myself.  Maybe a paler, greyer version of myself like a photocopy when the toner is getting low.

I don’t know where this change has come from, and it’s not like I’ve transformed from Murky Dismal into Rainbow Brite or anything, but it’s a definite change.  It’s more like going from overwhelmed to capable.  Things are all sparkles and joy but that’s okay, I have the strength to deal with it.

For example:

  • weight gain => bad but it’s not permanent.  I know what to do to fix it.  I’ve got a strong, capable body (once this hip problem sorts itself out).  I can exercise, I can build from this.
  • man problem => yeah well it’s never going to be perfect but then he’s not the one, and in the short term, it’s pretty fun.  I have a tendency to get tied up in knots most through wanting validation and approval when I shouldn’t need that.  It’s stupid (and also not fair on him either – it’s not his job to fix my self esteem).
  • crap running/lack of running =>  I’ve been crap before, I’ve been less crap.  I’m actually thinking of taking the pressure off altogether and spend the next 3 months doing other things.  No point feeling like I *have* to run then feeling guilty because I don’t.  It’s only one form of exercise and if I’m not enjoying it then I just need to find something else.  I’m not quitting altogether but not stressing.

OK, it’s lunchtime.  I need to eat some bento and try to get Japanese particles implanted into my brain!

Improving…

I’m feeling a bit better this morning.  Last night I ended up on RSVP — my stars keep saying to update my online dating profile so I figured it’s worth a shot.  I hadn’t been on the site for ages – like years, and I think I must have more than one profile. 

Anyway I had to get my password sent to me because I couldn’t remember any of my details – then when I got logged in, I looked at the profile and through they’d screwed up because it just wasn’t me! 

***

I have a bit of an issue thing at the moment.  Normally my issues are quite jovial but this is a bit more serious.  Last year, one of my friends died.   We were friends on facebook and her profile is still on there.  Every now and then, I get up one of those “You haven’t talked to …. for a while.  Reconnect with her”  type message. 

Every time I see it, I get a bit blerk inside.  It’s a constant reminder.  Of course, being the type of person I am, I then yell at the computer – “I can’t reconnect with her.  She’s DEAD!” Naturally,  I don’t do this at work.

At the same time, I feel like defriending her on fb is kinda wrong, like I’m removing the last trace of her from my life.  Maybe it’s good to have that reminder. 

It’s a hard call.

***

Run for the kids is tomorrow!  I’m going to die.  Actually more worried about having to get up at stupid o’clock than the run.

Horrible day!

It’s been one of those days — work was a nightmare.  If something could go wrong, it did – and usually without any obvious cause or solution. 

On top of that, I’ve felt like complete shite: full of self-loathing and self-pity.  One of those moods when you want to be on your own but then get andry and depressed because it obviously means no one wants to be around you and who can blame them… when you are such a pathetic, horrible, grotesque person.

I think it all started because I had a dream last night that the guy I’ve been kinda seeing was saying all kinds of mean, nasty things to me.   To be fair, he would never ever do that in real life, in fact he has never said anything negative or uncomplimentary to me.  Still it was a rotten dream.  I’ve had the same dream a few times – different people but them abusing me in the same horrible manner as if they loathe me.  I have no idea what that means.

After work, I just wanted to come home and hide away in my bed but one of the women at work suggested I shouldn’t skip the gym (and she didn’t even know what a mood I was in), even if I just went for a little while.

I figured doing a killer cardio interval set followed by some boxing would have to help.  I punched a hole right through that punching bag… well not quite, then got the bright idea to get a manicure (red with white polka dots!). 

That helped for a while but the mood came back like stray cat that’s been fed a few times.

When I feel like this, I take everything personally.  I can see myself being unreasonable and stupid but I can’t stop the jibber jabber of voices in my head, blaming myself.  Everything – the bus being late, the shop not having what I want… is all due to me not being good enough. 

So, what do you do?  How do you pull yourself out of a mood like this?  Sleep, a good movie, booze?

Suckage

I’ve refrained from facebook stalking.  It’s only going to lead to trouble, I know it.  Plus, I’m so not sure about this guy.  If someone gave me a like a blank relationship page and told me to write my ideal outcome for this, I’d not even know where to begin.  I guess that’s not a good sign.  Still he’s fun to be around. 

I really want to blog about some work stuff but I’m so paranoid about that kind of thing.   I’ll just say, I’m really looking forward to the moment when my contract ends!

Also, I went to personal training today and I’ve done something to my hip.  Not good.

Okay…. another post

I have one of those moral question type things that I guess  already know the answer to deep in  my heart. 

The guy I kinda like came to our party on Saturday night.  We got chatting and I showed him some pics we’d taken at my birthday drinks last year (the first night I met him).  Anyway, since I had the laptop out, I sneakily said… by the way, you’ve never friended me on facebook and made him type in his details so I could friend request him.*

Now, the temptation is very strong to go through his entire fb history and “investigate”.   That would be kinda wrong, wouldn’t it.  Even though it’s on facebook then it’s publicly out there.  It’s not like going through someone’s mobile phone. 

I think for my own sanity, it’s best to resist.  Why do I even care?  I’ve got more important shit to do.

* I’d actually thought he’d never friended me on fb for some dark reason, but seems he’d just never thought of it.  Also I’d never actually sent him a friend request or anything.

Back into it then…

Not much exercise this weekend, just lots of drinking and eating.  I feel ready to get back into a bit more healthier lifestyle now.  Debating whether to risk the weather and go for a run, or risk holiday public transport and go into the gym.  Actually I could go option 3 and do a circuit style workout at home.  That might be best. 

You know what is a sign you’ve drank too much?  When you run out of wine and drink your guest’s bourbon.  Who the hell drinks Jim Beam after they turn 16?