Many Rants

1. People keep saying that folk are going overboard about the swine flu – wearing face masks and all – when it’s mostly no worse than the real flu.  I think the opposite is true.  People don’t take precautions enough about the regular flu.  Like the bitch sitting opposite me hacking up her lungs on the tram.  Sending her nasty germs into the air.  Wearing a face mask to stop those air-borne germs won’t kill; me getting sick and having to take unpaid time off work might just mean a hatchet through your head on the other hand.

2. People walking down the street eating.  My god people do that a lot.  If you don’t have time to sit down, you don’t have time to eat.  It looks ugly.

3. Twilight.  Where do I start?  Okay, I thought this would be an easy, brainless read for the plane.  I mean, I can handle bad writing.  I don’t like it but I can see the redeeming features of a poor writing with an okay storyline.  I read the Da Vinci Code.  I read Harry Potter.

But Twilight… it really sucks.  Really really.  This is the storyline.  It’s a spoiler.  Read it.  Don’t read the book:

Stupid bint with no personality moves to a country town where she is flavour of the month (I’m resisting using the term “fresh blood” or anything like that).  Hooks up pale dude cos she thinks that he’s dreamy.  Ignores the fact that he’s not only freaky but extremely patronising and annoying (seriously, I’d only date this guy to take him out for a steak dinner… stake, vampire… geddit????).  Finds out he is a vampire and sparkles in the sunlight.  She makes new friends but dumps them completely when sparkly, annoying vampire gets with her.

Stupid bint frolics with vampires then gets kidnapped by other, less friendly but still patronising and annoying vampire cos she’s too stupid to tell the difference btw her real mother and a recording!  She deserves to die, obviously.  Instead vampires saves her.

She wants patronising bastard vampire to make her a vampire too – I think so if she’s still going out with him when she’s like 60, she won’t look like a pedo.  Instead vampire takes her to the prom.

I want to hunt down the woman who wrote this pile of shit and slowly pull her entrails out through her nasal cavities.  Even that would be less painful than actually reading the damn book (I only finished it cos I’d read the Jetstar magazine 4 times and done the sudoku twice). 

The writing sucks, the characters are completely unlikeable – I was so hoping they all died horrible deaths even though I know there are like a zillion sequels.  And there is no freaken plot.  None.  Is there a secret law in publishing that you can’t have vampires and plots in the same book or was it just a fashion started by Anne Rice.  (I was about to say Stephanie Rice then, lolz, but she’d prolly write an awesome book about swimming, partying vampires). 

This book makes Flowers in the Attic look like a work of genius.  It makes Valley of the Books look like awesome (which it kinda is).  It makes Noddy Goes to Toyland look like a Pulitzer Prize by comparison – a least Noddy had a plot.  There is NO book in this world that not better than Twilight even those Mills and Boon doctor and nurse romances. 

4. My swipe card for my new job is so tiny, I keep thinking I’ve lost it.  It’s insanely small, not even a card.

That’s it for today’s rants.

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6 responses to “Many Rants

  1. This is one of the funniest things you have ever posted! LOL ROFL about all those awful books which are better than Twilight – I hated every single one of them too!
    I want Stephanie Rice to write that book RIGHT NOW

  2. Hahaha! I refuse to buy into the Twilight hype. The characters should all be locked up, fed arsenic donuts and root their siblings … oops, wrong series (I admit to being a hopeless Flowers In The Attic fan when I was 12 and had no taste).
    Yep, bring on the swimming, cone-pulling, non-stop partying vamps!

  3. Re your rant number 2, and I hope I’m not being unkind here, but isn’t it so often people who look like they shouldn’t be eating whatever it is they are eating, when you see someone eating in the street?

  4. F*ck me, I damn near pissed myself!

    My best mate dragged me to see Twilight because we used to love Vampire movies when we were teenagers, 20 minutes in we looked at each other and both said “I don’t think this is going to be like The Lost Boys”, it wasn’t 😦 The only redeeming feature was that the dad was hot, then we got depressed because we have both got to the point where we think the dad is hot.

    At one stage a few years ago I wanted to get a T-Shirt printed that said “NO! I haven’t freakin’ read The Da Vinci Code!” If I want mindless trash to take my mind off a flight I generally turn to Maryanne Keyes, at least there are no sparkling vampires.

    And I totally want to vomit when I see people eating in the street AND I want to kill people who bring their gross diseases out in public.

    Shit, freaky post, have you been in my head?

  5. Thank you x 100 for saving me from reading that crap- I saw the author had about 9 out of 10 books on the top 10 list and thought that there must be something in that – but as usual it just proves that the general public has no taste as proved by the logies every year.
    Gold star- great post!

  6. Hehe. You are so funny when you rant, and totally spot on.
    I only read that book because my daughter got it out of the library and I was sick at the time and wanted something to read. Bad, bad bad. About the only good thing I can say about it is, my daughter, who never reads anything, has read the first 2 books which is totally amazing.

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