I feel like I should be overjoyed at the moment, so close to my holiday, but instead I’ve been having a bit of a meltdown. So many thoughts racings through my head – worries about money and about work once I get home and every other conceivable thing…
I think I have a real issue about going away. When we were kids, we’d have holidays all sorted and planned and, at the last moment, Mum would have a major stress attack about money and other shit, and would pull the plug on the whole thing. I’ve got a mind-set now that firstly travel is a waste of money and you have nothing tangible to show for it and secondly that something will happen at the last moment to prevent me going.
On top of that, even though I’ve travelled overseas quite a bit, I’ve always had someone else doing the organising whether it’s travelling with friends or being on a group tour. Suddenly, I’m the one who’s responsible. I’m worried about my sister and her lack of health (and lack of finances), I’m worried about a whole heap of stuff and every time the dollar drops, I panic more.
I’d love to be one of those people who just goes with the flow but I’m not. I feel like I *should* be able to control everything. Like the financial markets – if I’d tried just a little bit harder, I’d have avoided that. Even though I know logically that if I could predict these things I’d be earning squillions of dollars as a financial analyst or something.
The stupid thing is that once I’m on the plane, I’ll be fine. It’s just this long lead up especially not working this week so plenty of time for thinking and worrying and ….
Anyway, I’m off to battle my negative thoughts. I figure a run should help me cope.