Better mood

I felt sick last night and didn’t make it to go-go dancing, instead I went to bed early and got lots of lovely sleep.  That puts me in a far better mood.  I’d planned to go for a run this morning but it’s wet and I’m sniffly anyway so figure it’s safer not to.  If it’s still raining tonight, I’ll go to the gym (if my physio says that’s okay).

I’m not sure I was very articulate with my last post – my brain being all sleep-befuddled and stuff.  What I was trying to say wasn’t so much all men are bastards (I definitely don’t believe that – I raised a non-bastardy one) or even that this particular guy is a bastard.  What concerns me more is the way when these things happen instead of being able to react in a logical, sensible manner, I turn things on myself.  It’s a test that I’ve failed yet again – by not doing the “right” thing or not being thin enough or not being good enough.

I know it doesn’t make sense, and it’s not just a dating thing either.  I tend to blame myself whenever anything goes wrong, like I have control of the whole bloody world.  I think it’s an oldest child thing.  But it does get worse whenever I’m dating (or not dating).   Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually interested even in the whole dating thing or if it’s just a chance to prove that this time, for once, I won’t fail.  For once I can be good enough.

The trouble is, I think having those thoughts sets me up for failure.  A date isn’t a date when it’s a test of my own worth.  I’ve got to get all this shite sorted out in my head.  Sometimes I can’t work it out – why are things that are so simple for other people, become so complicated for me?

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7 responses to “Better mood

  1. OH man, did you write that post for me, cos that’s what is going on in MY head right now. Fireman hasn’t called, and i’m blaming myself. I talked too much, I was too fat for him, he didn’t like my hair colour (he asked what colour I was naturally!!), he doesn’t think I could be a good enough mother to his kids,i’m too old for him. Now i’m trying to remember the conversations to see what else I said wrong. Christ it was only a first date. We’re fucked up aren’t we,you and I ?
    At least we’re not alone in our fucked-upedness!!

  2. I’m glad you are feeling a bit more “up” today but yanno, more than that one guy is a bastard ;).

  3. I’m the oldest child and I tend to do that as well. Its actually my job to take on the world all the time so I know where you are coming from. In fact, this trait is quite exhausting, lol!

    You have been training hard so the tiredness associated with that wouldn’t be helping either, you have been training hard. I think you need relax and pamper yourself, Missy 😀

  4. You know what, you’re a virgo. Could you be wanting to control things a bit too much? I can fall into this trap too and take on far too much responsibilty for whatever it is when I don’t need to. It’s not your fault. And are we ever good enough? Damn virgo, stop it! You’re a gorgeous, funny and generous human being Kathryn and of course you’re good enough. Stop analysing it or you’ll start picking at things that aren’t even there. Alrighty, so who’s next on the RSVP list 🙂

    * Did that comment sound harsh? Imagine I’m just a mate sitting with you at a bar OK!

  5. BTW of course you’re allowed to feel however the hell you want and talk about it. I just won’t let you wallow in it 🙂

  6. Yep, I know all about the trying to turn things back on yourself. I’m an oldest child too… maybe you are onto something. When the chips are down I always just try to remember that everything happens for a reason, you can believe it or not… but it works for me. Things will get better. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY

  7. Oh Kathryn. I do this too. But you are right in saying that it is Fucked that we tend to put everything in a ‘good’ and ‘bad’ perspective hence the probability of an “F” is so much higher. I find I do this with the kids and the housework and my exercise and the problem with that is as soon as I think I am failing I want to stuff my face and do all the things that will make me fail anyway. Stupid huh!!

    But I feel for you, and know that you have probably gotten past it (I am a few posts behind *oops*) but want you to know that there is some crazy bastard sitting at the other end of a p.c. thinking the same way you are and one day you guys will meet and the rainbows will come back..

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