I felt sick last night and didn’t make it to go-go dancing, instead I went to bed early and got lots of lovely sleep. That puts me in a far better mood. I’d planned to go for a run this morning but it’s wet and I’m sniffly anyway so figure it’s safer not to. If it’s still raining tonight, I’ll go to the gym (if my physio says that’s okay).
I’m not sure I was very articulate with my last post – my brain being all sleep-befuddled and stuff. What I was trying to say wasn’t so much all men are bastards (I definitely don’t believe that – I raised a non-bastardy one) or even that this particular guy is a bastard. What concerns me more is the way when these things happen instead of being able to react in a logical, sensible manner, I turn things on myself. It’s a test that I’ve failed yet again – by not doing the “right” thing or not being thin enough or not being good enough.
I know it doesn’t make sense, and it’s not just a dating thing either. I tend to blame myself whenever anything goes wrong, like I have control of the whole bloody world. I think it’s an oldest child thing. But it does get worse whenever I’m dating (or not dating). Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually interested even in the whole dating thing or if it’s just a chance to prove that this time, for once, I won’t fail. For once I can be good enough.
The trouble is, I think having those thoughts sets me up for failure. A date isn’t a date when it’s a test of my own worth. I’ve got to get all this shite sorted out in my head. Sometimes I can’t work it out – why are things that are so simple for other people, become so complicated for me?