Yesterday started off well, we had coffee on the front porch and laughed at people driving by – people seem to be in their own little worlds in their cars, forgetting that other people can see them as they sit at the lights picking their noses and squeezing their pimples. It must be the closest you get to seeing them with their masks down.
I went to the yoga open day and loved the studio – very light and airy and friendly staff. I got a 6 class pass for $60 which rocks and booked into a Thursday night course for 6 weeks. I’m committed now. Even doing the short demo class, I felt so much calmer .
Walked into the city and the shopping went well until I hit Target. They have this range called Shape U underwear (ie. corsetry). I’d tried on one of the longer bras a while back but it was the wrong size and I didn’t have to ditz around with sizes. Once you strip off naked in those change rooms though, you realise the mirrors are magnifying mirrors – Fault Magnifying Mirrors.
I forgot all about my good bits – the bits I focus on to get me through life, my legs and …well just the legs really… all I could see was my thick waist, my flat butt and my pointy nose – I hadn’t even realised my nose looked so pointy in profile.
The Shape U underwear did nothing for me – when you push in one bit, it just pushes something else out. I’d rather be a lumpy Kathryn shape than look like a balloon animal made by a clown on crack.
I left Target with a huge black cloud over me. I’ve been lied to all my life. All those magazines that tell you that in 5 easy steps you can have a flat stomach or 12 simple exercises for a thin waist. Its all a big pile of steaming dog turd. You can lose weight, you can exercise to change your shape but it only gets you so far. After that, it’s all genetics and you can’t change your DNA. The only steps that work on that start with a phone call to your local plastic surgeon and who has the money for that.
As I walked in the sun through Carlton Gardens, I remembered – hey, this is the month of ME, I can’t be cracking the sads over this stuff. Like they say, you have to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.
There are things I can do to improve my body and there are things I’m not prepared to do. In this life we all resort to some artifice to enhance our appearance – it’s all shades of grey, its just a question of knowing how far along that line you’re prepared to travel.
If you look at one end of the spectrum being those who do absolutely nothing – no makeup, no hair styling, comfortable shoes – hell not even wearing deodorant to mask their natural smell; the other end being those freaky plastic surgery stories you see in magazines – we all fall somewhere in between.
I could get corsetry to give me a wasp thin waist, I could get but padding to get a hootchie butt (yes, you can buy it, just ask the drag queens), I could learn fancy makeup techniques to make my nose look different but do I want to do any of that.
Years ago I knew a girl who was totally gorgeous. No one ever saw without hours of preparation. One night she was chatting up a girl at a nightclub (being that she was a lesbian). The girl admired Gorgeous Girl’s beautiful hair and GG decided she should ‘fess up and told her it wasn’t her own hair but a hairpiece. So the girl said she had amazing eyelashes. GG admitted the eyelashes were fakes. So on to the teeth, the tan, the colour of her eyes. In the end, GG remembered that old joke about the groom watching his bride undress on their wedding night, taking off everything down to the legs and arms. She freaked out – screaming I’m just a stump, I’m just a stump.
Nobody wants to go around looking like the stump, that’s for sure but how much of things that make us attractive do we want to take off at the end of the night and leave in a jar by the bed?
I want to tell you about the most gorgeous woman I saw all day yesterday. Coming home from the coffee shop, an old woman pushed her shopping cart down my street. She hunched over, old lady style and was dressed in that bland-beige style like women do when they’ve completely given up but in her hair she wore a clip with a big, blue flower. Like underneath some playful girlish still sparked within her.