Often I’m so focussed on how much weight I’ve still got to lose and how far I still am from what I want to be that I lose sight I’ve the things that I’ve achieved. It’s so easy to forget the way I used to be and, as I’ve lost weight, things have changed in my life that I just take for granted now.

For example, for years and years and years, every time I went to the doctor they’d tell me to lose weight and get more exercise. When I got diagnosed with diabetes – lose weight and exercise, when I had problem with my gall bladder – lose weight and exercise, if I had a cold or a stomach bug or a broken fingernail – lose weight and exercise. I’d bitch and moan and do nothing about it.

Now it seems every time I go to the doctor they are telling me to have a break from exercising. And I bitch and moan about that even more. It’s weird, isn’t it – you don’t want to exercise and they tell you to do it, but when you want to, they tell you to stop!

I don’t think I mentioned this before (stop me if you’ve heard this one…) but when I flew back from Sydney earlier this year, a rather large man sat at the end of my aisle. I watched out of the corner of my eye while he did that thing where you test out that the seatbelt is going to fit, digging it under the gut and breathing in to get it clasped, because you’d rather die in a plane crash than have to get a seat belt extender. I watched him raise the arm rest that dug into his side and struggle with the tray table that wouldn’t sit flat over his belly.

I wanted to lean over and say something helpful and reassuring, to let him know that I’d been there but no words existed for me that wouldn’t make him feel embarassed or humiliated – I know, because I’ve been there.

I no longer lay in bed at night, poking and pummelling my fat (that sounds awfully rude, doesn’t it), wishing I could wake up in the morning with it magically gone. I don’t lie away with those feelings of self-loathing and despair. Not that I’m all Magically Happy Self Confident Girl now, but I’d forgotten how dark those pits used to be.


9 responses to “Changes

  1. You’re at where we wanna be…and you’ve worked hard to get there.

    Don’t EVER forget the strength it has taken you to get this far (and possibly use some of that strength to fight those ‘have to exercise’ demons? LOL). Let your body heal if it needs to, after all, it’s all about loving yourself enough to do right by yr body…says me – ROFL!

  2. oh kathryn… brilliant post. it is so easy to forget how things used to be, i agree. hope yer doing orright over there!

  3. I hear ya! We’re all guilty of feeling dissatisfied with progress and wanting to be thinner/smaller/better ….like right NOW.

    It’s a good exercise to drag out some old photos now and then and remind yourself of how far you’ve come.

  4. that’s a great post. I really felt for that guy reading it.

    When I feel bad about my journey (that has really only just started and I still have at least 20 kilos to lose) I look back thru my journal and compare myself now to then….it gets me back on the straight and narrow.

    I hope you still see the same Dr and he knows how far you have come

  5. ps: Yes I have and I LOVE nurofen gel. I always have some in the cupboard, along with deep heat and dencorub

  6. I was just thinking about that this morning – I was walking down the street and saw this really big woman. She was looking down as she walked, avoiding eye contact with people. I just wanted to give her a big hug and tell other people knows how she feels. And, of course, if I did that, she’d just want to punch me on the nose!

    BTW 70/75 for resting heart rate is very good.

  7. I feel sorry for the fat guy too, we’ve all been there. Imagine if some skinny hot looking chick had said something to you on a plane in your previous life, you would have given her a mouthful!! haha – I can hear you now. I would do the same. I still think people are looking at me cos i’m too fat, when does that feeling go away?????

  8. What a feeling it must be to finally be at the place you’ve always wanted to be at.
    You’ve also reminded me of what I used to be and how far i’ve come too.

  9. What a great head space to be in Kathryn. Life certainly is easier and I don’t think you can ever tell someone. They have to come to it themselves like we did. Well done 🙂

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