A Year Later…

From my archives (14/9/05):

So my pact with myself is this – when I get to 70 kilograms, I’m packing
away the scales. I’ll rely on other means to judge my size – measurements and
clothes and things. At the moment, I want to lose weight and the scales are the
best way to judge that, but when I’m at goal I want my focus to be on toning and
staying healthy, not on “oh my god, I’m 65 kilos and I can’t be happy unless I’m
64!” – who needs that shit?

So have I? Are the scales put away? Am I not caring? Hell no! Instead I’m stressing over every calorie and freaking out if I only burn off 500 calories a day. I’m more obsessed about my weight now than ever (although not enough to say no to the chocobanana truffle ball with coffee last night).

I’ve got this too-shiny-to-be-true image of me a year ago in my head and I try to get back to that – that me never skipped a workout, never eat the wrong thing, never ate for the hell of it. I feel I have to be that person.

Sometimes I feel like if I’m not constantly vigilant, I’ll balloon up overnight. I feel like I have to get to 65 kgs, then I can stop. I obsess more now than I ever have about my weight. Yet I eat too much then stress about that. Instead of replacing emotional eating with sanity, I’ve replaced it with dieting obsession.

After a lifetime of being fat, I can be a normal weight in my body but it’s much hard to not be fat in my head.

Imagine if you were born in say France but, when you were quite young, you moved to Australia. You might have known French once but you no longer have any lingering trace of the language left. That’s like me and eating.


9 responses to “A Year Later…

  1. I’m so with you on this one. This became apparent last week when I asked a shop assistant for an XL cardigan and she looked at me like I was a freak and said I would be no bigger than a medium. I have to get out of the fat person that’s still in my head.

  2. Totally know where you’re coming from. But it takes a big effort to keep reminding yourself to ‘be happy’ with all that you’ve achieved and where you are at today.
    You have done so well, don’t let a couple of negative thoughts get you down!
    Celebrate today here and now:)

  3. oh yes… perfect analogy at the end there!

  4. I think part of the obsessing comes from knowing how hard you had to fight to get down to where you are now. And the fear is if you stop obsessing will you stop living the balance. It’s a trick and I have all the faith in the world that you will do it. And then show us how. But these things take time. You didn’t put all the weight on in one year (from memory) and it will take a little longer to adjust that you are now one sexy looking woman who CAN have her chocobanana truffle ball with coffee but then has to remember to walk to work, or not have the biscuit with coffee the next day.

    And I have those language memories. Sometimes I wonder if the Dutch in me sneaks out at night and gorges huge servings of Edam Cheese, and Waffles, and Pancakes… Nope, I do it when I am awake 🙂 Have a great week Kathryn.

  5. yeah, I dont think we ever lose that part of us 😦 I think in my head I will always be a fat person… We’ve got to remind ourselves and give ourselves a pat on the back every now and then. You really have done so well and you deserve the praise!!!!

  6. So true, our mind is so powerful and annoying sometimes.

  7. healthbites - mary

    All I can say is that is DOES get easier and more of a lifetsyle where you are not obsessing about it. I promise!

  8. Sadly I think this fixture/obsession, etc of focussing on our weight is something that I know that I will be stuck with for the rest of my life. I think the main thing that this journey is going to bring is the realisation that I know I have the skills to control my weight and my mental outlook. And you, my girl, definitely have those skills! Not forget that! 🙂

  9. I think your food exercise thing is for life. Not everyday but 80% of the time at least. You have changed your life for the better and things like weightloss and healthy eating are becoming a natural part of that. I can’t wait to be that person.

    this will keep you from being one of those that put all the weight back on within 2 years!

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