I can’t believe how long this cold is going on for. I feel like I’ve been sick for months. It’s just not going away. I’m getting plenty of rest, taking vitamins and drinking tonnes of water but nothing seems to help. It’s so damn frustrating – I can’t even remember the last time I exercised. I keep thinking I’m getting better then I’ll wake up the next morning with a sore throat and it’s back to square one. If I’m not better in a few days, I’ll go back to the doctor and see what’s going on. I feel like I’ve wasted the whole long weekend, sleeping and lazing around doing nothing. Sure that’s the best thing to fight off the cold but it’s not good for me.
Yesterday I really had a huge pig out. I have no idea why… I just couldn’t stop eating. Luckily most of it was healthy food so I didn’t go too far over my calories but it’s still not good.
I think I’ll have a problem with food for my entire life. I can tackle the weight problem but, regardless of my size or weight, the food thing will still be there. It’s weird how this emotional eating stuff goes. You’d think it would be easy – I’m angry with X so I’m going to eat a chocolate cake. But, for me at least, it’s never that simple. The emotional triggers are so buried under a mountain of layers that I have no idea what triggers things off.
If it was simple – I had a fight with someone or felt angry with them and couldn’t express it, then the solution would be simple. But often I don’t think at the time that I’m going through any kind of emotional stress. I try to analyse my feelings but come up with nothing but I feel hungry or I feel like eating. Then maybe afterwards, days or weeks later, I realise there were things wrong.
I think this is why so much of what I read – books and articles – about emotional eating are so unhelpful. They talk about being upset for clear, concrete reasons. If I could see what was triggering the problems, I could head them off at the pass. I could take myself out of the situation.
But then again, if all these emotional issues are clear cut and easily identified, if I could identify and express what I’m feeling, then maybe I wouldn’t have the food issues to start with. It’s all too easy for “experts” to tell you to have a bubble bath instead of eating but I’ve had years and years of experience at putting up fences and hidding behind them.
At the moment, I think I have this belief that I *can’t* lose weight while I’m sick. Sure I’ve been losing a bit but I don’t really believe it. Part of me wants to be nurtured and looked after. I want to take to my bed – sleeping and indulging, but another part of me is angry and frustrated. I feel guilty too – I should be able to tough this out, I should be out running and pumping weights not malingering.
The food issues become so much more pronounced too when I can’t exercise. I can’t overindulge then work it off at the gym – I have to try to eat well. Then I try too hard and that results in overeating.
Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off. My son came over to visit the other day. He’d had a cold too and I asked him how he was feeling. He said he was fine – he’d gone to bed for a couple of days and got over it. Curse him and his simple solutions.
I’ve got to get better soon – how long can one frigging cold go on for?