Down

I’m feeling a bit glum today and not really looking forward to the week ahead.  I think I need to plan  a few fun things to keep my spirits up.  I have 2 pt sessions this week so that’s a start.  I get to hit stuff and that makes me happy.

More about the ‘crush’:  still haven’t heard from him, not sure if I will.  It’s weird because he met a few of my friends last week and they keep asking if he’s called etc.  Everyone who met him is surprised because they all think he seemed to really adore me (I also got that impression).  Men are weird!

Anyway, my question is this – if he calls now, should I go out with him?  I’m kinda pissy about the whole thing but maybe, to him, it’s no big deal. 

To me, if a guy is interested, he’d call or text or something.  Maybe he doesn’t see it that way. 

I’m also thinking that, as you get older, you have to ask yourself why someone is single.  At 25 it isn’t an issue but at 40 it is (even though I’m still single myself – lolz).   There has to be something going on there, some kind of commitment issues or whatever.

Then again, if you met a guy who’s divorced etc then most of the time they have a whole heap of baggage about that. 

It’s been really hard too because even if he contacts me, what can I offer?  I’m moving overseas next year and I don’t plan to change that.  I was actually planning a flow chart of possible relationship outcomes in my head the other day (and had to stop myself from actually making a chart in Visio!) – and none of those outcomes were good!

Hmmm

After my last post, still haven’t heard from the new “crush”.  I sent him a text yesterday and still nothing.  I swear I will never understand men.  They run hot and cold. 

Been having a shit awful week, with pay issues – ie I’ve been working 3 weeks and not been paid.  Lots of people passing the responsibility around and still no $$$.  It’s all very stressful.  I seem to have been copping it lately.  This is the third time, from three different agencies!

On top of all that, I’ve been avoiding the gym, mostly trying to shake off the last of this cold before doing too much.  Was supposed to have a PT session this week but she had to cancel it so I went in and hit the treadmill then hit (literally) the punching bag.  That helped.

Hopefully next week will be much better.

Decisions…

I’ve been thinking about doing Lite N’ Easy.  I’m not one for diet plans or prepackaged meals but at the moment, I just want the convenience.  I don’t want to think about cooking or food or any of that kind of shit.

To tell the truth, since sharing cooking with my sister (we didn’t at our old house), it’s become a bit of an issue – an issue where I end up cooking any meals that are cooked, and often paying for the ingredients as well. 

I get so resentful that I’m like – screw it, I’ll just eat at the cafe! 

On top of that, it’s a PITA to get to the supermarket and I have so much else on that I can’t be bothered.

I figure having the meals there ready to go will be much simplier than trying to motivate myself to do stuff (ie cooking and shopping) that I am really not interested in at the moment.  That way, I can put my energy into fun stuff like gym!

Now, I really want to update the love/crush stuff but I’m a bit scared.  I’m totally over the old crush but someone new kind of just swooped into my life.  I thought I wasn’t interested at first but am realising that I really am.  And now I’m scared that it’s all going to come crushing down in a big, messy heap.  I mean — he hasn’t contacted me in a WHOLE DAY!   Scary, scary stuff!

Real Life

I’m sure by now everyone has read about the whole “real life” model, Lizzie Miller story.  I love it!  Finally a real real woman!

I can handle reading mags with airbrushed models who look nothing like any woman I’ve ever seen before.  That’s fashion, that’s the media.  I don’t look like their models, I don’t buy their overpriced look of the season.  Couldn’t care less about the whole circus.  It’s outside my realm of existence.  They are props for the clothes, nothing else.

What really gives me the shits is when fashion magazines start featuring (and big noting themselves in the process) for having real life models – bully for us, we have a size 14 *gasp* model on our pages. 

The thing is, the size 14 model — the woman I’m supposed to identify with — has a body nothing like mine.  She’s just a larger proportioned version of the regular model.  She doesn’t have droppy arm fat, she doesn’t have squashy bits that gloop out in the wrong places.  If she has a belly, it’s a taut, rounded one not saggy.  Overall, it’s attractive fat.

That makes me feel worse about my body than any stick thin model would.  It’s like I even fail at being fat!  God help me. 

Don’t tell me this is who I am when I know damn well that age and gravity and childbirth and life have made a lie of that.  If you are going to feature real women, make them real.  I don’t want to see digitally enhanced, socially acceptable fat, not the 0.001% of women over a size 10 who feel okay about showing their upper arms in public!

Blerk

Sick again (still).   I just called work and they are a bit cranky – which is kind of understandable since I only started last week and had 3 days off already.  But what can I do?  My throat is insanely sore.  Anyway they said they were going to ring my agency and talk to them about it… hell knows what that means. 

On top of all that, I can’t afford to go to the doctor.  Because I was away last week, I didn’t get my timesheet in.  Well actually no one has shown me how to submit my timesheet!  I still don’t know.  When I rang this morning, they said it had to be in by 10.00 for me to get paid for this week????  I don’t get that.  It was 10.15 when I rang, but how can I put my timesheet in for the week when the week isn’t over? 

That means I’ve not been paid this week, and I won’t be paid next week.  That is really bad and wrong but I’m too sick to deal with it right now.

Blerky blerk blerk

• Still sick and I feel like crap.  My head hurts, my neck hurts.  I don’t want to think.
• I want to sell my car and I have a buyer but discovered Vicroads makes you go through all this crappy shite like getting a roadworthy certificate and bullshit that’s going to cost extra $$$ and be totally annoying.  Why can’t these things be simple?
• I can’t find the dress I want to wear to my birthday drinks tomorrow night.  I think I must have packed it away in a box under the bed somewhere.  I need to find it so it’s not all musty tomorrow.
• I said I’d do some work over the weekend for a guy I used to work for.  I want to get it down tonight so it’s not bugging me that I have to do it but he’s only sent me one of the files I need. 
• I have put on all the weight I lost since I got sick.  That’s like 3 days to undo a heap of work.  I want to just wallow in my lardy wallowing pit.  With cake.

Sick

I’m sick.  Two days into my new job and I had to take today off.  I actually went in but felt so crap on the tram that I came straight home!

I hope I’m better by the weekend, I have birthday drinks to do.  Also I am getting my hair done tomorrow.  It doesn’t look to be off work sick then go in with a new hair do.

The crush is totally over now.  After deciding he was a tool the other day, I was wavering again… until I saw him pash his gf on the street!  Oh well.

running

Last week or the week before, I wrote about how I actually got on the treadie for a run and managed 22 minutes – my best effort in ages.  Last night I went to the gym and decided to try for 25.   Started with 10 minute warm up then stretches.  I’d been doing my warm up on the cross trainer but that didn’t seem to help so I warmed up for running by actually running this time.

Got to 25 minutes and felt fine (ie. not dead yet) so figured I’d try to do 30. 

Got to 30 minutes and figured I was so close to 5 kms that I’d keep going.

Got to 5 kms and kept going…

I ended up doing an hour of continuous running, getting to 8.5 km exactly.  Considering when I was in my peak running condition my pb for 8kms was just under 50 minutes, I think that was a pretty good time.

I was a bit worried that going from 25 minutes to 1 hour would kill me.  It’s a big jump.  But I’ve been longer runs (just lots of stop-start, walk-run).  Anyway the legs aren’t too bad this morning so that’s the main thing.

Off to the gym this morning to do weight then I’ve got a massage this afternoon.

Also, finally got my pay and have rescheduled my PT session for Monday.

Bitch, bitch, bitch

My pay isn’t in my bank!  It should be there but NOPE.  I faxed my timesheet to the agency at lunch time on Friday when I left my job.  Normally when I finish a contract, I take a copy of my signed timesheet with me but this time I didn’t!  If the agency don’t have my timesheet then it’s going to be a total mess.  I need my cash now.

I was supposed to have my first PT session this morning but had to cancel it.  I’m so disappointed.

Plus I have zero cash.  I have like 60 cents to my name.  I can’t even buy a coffee.  And we have no food in the house.  My sister is going to loan me some money but her money isn’t in the bank yet.  She’s given me her keycard and pin so I can get $$$ out after 8.00 but that means sitting around doing nothing until then (she’s gone to bed cos she just got home).  Arrrggh I’ve been up since 6.00 and I’m bored.

At least I can still go to the gym after work, but if I’m going to be up this early, I wish I could do something constructive.

Decrushed

The crush is over.  Mostly because he’s full of his own self importance and a bit of a tool.  Sorry – if you are looking for true romance and happily ever after, you’ve come to the wrong place. 

It’s kind of sad to be decrushed, I miss the person I thought he was.

Got an update on Japan yesterday.  Looks like it will be Jan next year (not really anything new).  I’ve been hoping it would be sooner even though Jan 10 is best for me.  My best buds are visting from the UK over Chrissy so I’d be sad to not be here to see them.  Plus I want to save a heap of $$$ and lose a heap of weight.   It’s just been such a long time of being unsettled.