Life

I went for my run last night. It was too dark to go along my tried and true routes – the Merri Creek trail doesn’t look too appeal when it starts getting dark and I’m scared of those roving gangs of bogans who beat you up for sport.

Instead I went running around the streets. I’ve never done that before and it was a pretty amazing experience. I did a huge blockie – through North Fitzroy, past all the people getting home from work or on their way and all the restuarants with their delicious dinner smells, then around and through Clifton Hill. Two guys were sitting outside one of the pubs having beers. I tripped over that beer hole (I’m sure it has a proper name – the hole where they load the beer into the basement of the pub) and they cracked up at me. I got all offended until I realised I’d have done the same thing.

A bit further on, there’s a car with a For Sale sign – a groovy old Holden. Anita and I always try to see the price on it but you can’t see it clearly from the tram so I turned my head to read it from close up and ran – bam – into a pole. To make it worse, a guy was walking beside me and he told me that’s why he didn’t jog. It’s not the jogging that’s dangerous though, it’s the looking.

So anyway, life… there are things you’d think I’d learn. Like every time I start a new contract I’m all like I’m going to save heaps of money then suddenly my contract gets to it’s end and I’ve saved nothing. Buggered if I know where the money goes – dresses, shoes and car repairs, I guess.

My contract is coming to an end soon and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m so not wanting to look for another job. I’m sick of working for the Man. The Man sucks. But I need to pay rent and eat and all that kind of thing, so I’m trying to think of ways to make money that aren’t so time consuming. A few ideas are kicking around.

My needs are simple (except for my need for dresses and shoes but I have enough of those, enough I tells ya) and my living expenses are cheap. I’ve worked out I can get by if I’m frugal on $200 – $250 a week.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching about this. I think I’d rather live simply and have my time for own pursuits than rake in the cash but be at the Man’s beck and call. So much of the stuff I spend my money on is unnecessary – I think working puts you on this consumerist treadmill. You work, then you feel like you should reward yourself for working so you buy pretty trinkets and sparkly things then you have to work more … until you die.

I’ve spent so long working for financial type companies where I don’t really give a damn about the company or them making money for their shareholders or their profits and bottom lines. I spend my life doing things that I don’t really give a rat’s arse about. It’s not like I feel any of these companies are ethically wrong, but they aren’t really in line with my personal ethics either. (I’ve been thinking a lot about ethics lately, and will prolly post more on this soon).

Every time I take on a new job, I think I can fit my writing in around it, or that I’ll save money and take time off to write but that’s not working. It’s like saying I’m going to eat all this chocolate cake now, then my belly will be full of chocolate cake and I won’t have to eat cake in the future. We all know how that works!

None of this really relates to weight loss at a basic level but, on a broader level, I think it does. I believe that how we spend money and how we relate to food are closely related; how we work and live effects who we are and the value we place upon ourselves as people.

Life is about making leaps of faith – that leap you make when say you’re getting off the couch to go for a walk, the leap you make when you suddenly stop seeing yourself as the fat one, the one that can’t lose weight. I think I need to make that leap away from the corporate teat. I need to put ME first and put a value on myself that’s beyond any pay packet.

Lunch

I ended up meeting my long lost NZ friend for lunch – woohoo! Fifteen years of goss to catch up on. (For a nice little story that sums up our friendship, check out my other blog, the one I never update – warning, it does contain personal info!)

We went to the little cafe at the side of the state library since my friend had been doing some geneology research there. I walk past this cafe nearly every day on my way to the gym but never been inside. It’s absolutely brilliant – great food and you get to sit outside in the sun. An hour easily stretched out to an hour and a half… and lunch stretched out to an extra coffee and a lemon tart! But man, it was the best lemon tart ever.

So lunch ended up being many, many calories and I feel stuffed. This is what I’m thinking of doing – skipping my TAFE class tonight (making it 4 missed classes in a row… oops), walking home from work then going for a quick run.

My sister and I are thinking of going to cheap movie night tonight – we want to see Snakes On A Plane again. Yeah, enough of the comments saying it’s crap. I think it’s one of those movies where you either get it or you don’t. If the title alone doesn’t have you rolling around the floor in laughter then you prolly should give it a miss. I mean some people don’t find the Texas Chainsaw Massacre funny either. No choc tops (or lollie snakes) after today’s lunch though.

What Rocks?

Well, me. And Gmaps Pedometer! I discovered this handy andy site today and have been playing around.

In the past I’ve been all wah-wah like a little sooky baby because I can never manage my 4 km morning run (well occasional morning run, very occasional when the weather is over 10 degrees, so prolly once a month morning run) in under 30 minutes.

I’ve put this down to factors like – me being a crap runner, not warming up first so having to start slow, hilly terrain, me being a really crap runner.

Well thanks to Gmaps, I’ve learnt that my 4 km run is actually 5 km. Woohoo. See, I rock! I’ve been running an extra km without realising because I’m all legendary and stuff. Oh yeah and because the signposting on the Merri Creek trail is rubbish.

I also discovered my even-less-occasional 7 km run is actually 8 km, and my 3 km walk to work is 4.5 km (I actually worked that out on whereis.com.au a few weeks ago since it’s via real streets so you can measure it).

I remember when I used to over-estimate distances. Like I’d walk 1 km and think I’d done 10. It’s pretty cool to find out I’ve been doing the opposite now. Even my walk from work to the gym is 1 km and burns around 70 calories – woohoo!

I will not use this as an excuse to eat more. No siree. Calories are for burning, not for eating. I might get that printed on a tee-shirt!

As for my NZ friend, she didn’t call last night. She called today and left a msg on my phone mumbling her number so I couldn’t understand it. Her number didn’t come up on my call register either. Grrrr – bloody New Zealanders

So Tired…

I want to go to bed but my long lost friend from NZ (who I haven’t seen in 15 years) said she’d ring tonight to organise meeting up. Her email was kind of vague so I don’t know if she wants to meet up tonight or if she’s just calling to organise it. Either way, if she doesn’t ring soon I’ll be sound asleep.

I’ve had a very quiet weekend – I think I’m getting sick yet again! Still I went for a 10 km run today. I think my fitness and my running aren’t improving though. Maybe even going backwards. It’s so frustrating being so unhealthy. Every time I start getting into it, I get sick and have to rest or cut back on my running time.

When I had my massage before the City 2 Surf, the woman told me her friend lost a lot of weight and had colds and flus for months afterwards so I’m wondering if that’s the same thing that’s happening to me. After all it’s a lot of insulation to lose.

I had another bra issue today – got out for my run and realised I’d not put my running bra on. I was wearing a teeshirt bra so had to keep stopping to readjust things. Every time I ran, I itched! And I ended up with a bit of chafing under the boobs. I think my new mottos for the fridge will be LOOK AFTER THE GIRLS!

After my bingefest the other day, I noticed something. Yesterday I ate a lot but it was mostly protein and carbs. I got to a point where I felt I’d had enough to eat and was happy to stop. That proves to me that sugar is evil!

That’s about it in my life at the moment. Oh the other night I walked home from work and called into one of the outlet shops and got two very short, slutty skirts. They were only $7.50 each which sounds cheap but they don’t have a hell of a lot of fabric in them. I wore one out over jeans cos I figured if I wore it on it’s own, I might get arrested!

Fishy Business

Our fish was fantastic except for one little problem – it had bones in it. They lied to us through fish sign!

The whole reason we don’t like fish, I’m pretty sure, is because when we were kids Mum would give us fish and tell us it had no bones in it then we’d start choking on a bone and she’d be like – shut up, there’s no bones in this fish – and we’d be writhing around the ground, blue in the face and she’d tell us we were putting it on so we’d cough up a bone and show it her and she’d be like – oh maybe I missed one.

That is not a background conducive to enjoying fish.

So we’ll try again next week but this time we’ll get something that is safe like flake.

The bad, bad thing is that apart from the fish, my eating has been terrible. Binge City is where I’m living. I don’t know why I’m doing this. You’d think I had all the head stuff figured out by now but that’s not the case.

One thing I know is that lately if I start eating sugar, I find it hard to stop. It’s not so much emotional eating as the sugar hitting me like crack cocaine. Once I get some in my veins, I’m jonesing for my next hit.

The other issue is that rather than eating to fill emotional needs, as I once did, I’m now eating to fill physical needs other than hunger. Mostly this need is tiredness. Once upon a time, I binged for many reasons but tiredness was never amongst them. If I felt tired, I’d have a nap. The Queen of Napping they called me. Now I feel guilty about napping – I should be at the gym or running or doing something, not goofing off. So I get tired then I deny my tiredness so I eat.

The third factor in this problem is that I had to skip breakfast to have my blood tests. You know all that stuff they say about not skipping meals because you binge later – it’s all true. I’ve never been a meal skipper. I’ve never even been a snack skipper. The closest I ever came to a starvation diet was reading about them in Cleo. So missing a meal has put me out of sync and I’m overcompensating. And yes, it was only 2 hours without food and surely I could survive that but wah!

My motto for the rest of the week is to only eat when I’m hungry. No more random snacking. No more going to the shop for mint slice cornettos (man, those things are heaven – why did I never know about them before).

The thing is after my gain last week, I haven’t got back down to my goal weight. And that sucks. The other thing is that when I got to goal, I hit it exactly – 70.0 kgs. I want to see a number starting with 6! And not 600 either.

My new goal is 65 kgs but I want to do it slowly. I want to tone and add muscle at the same time so it’s got to be a slow process. I don’t care if it takes until the end of the year, but I do want to get there.

Oops!

Sometimes I’m so stupid, I wonder how I remember to breathe!

This morning before work, I went to the market to do my food shopping. I got home and ran around getting ready so I wasn’t too late to work. Fine and rather dandy until lunch time today.

I walked down the street, checking out my reflection in the shop windows, thinking that my bra did me no favours at all. Then I thought I’d check which bra I was wearing because it probably needed throwing out.

Oops. In my rush, I’d forgotten to put one on. How does that happen?

When I got back from lunch, I checked my gym gear. I didn’t even pack a sports bra. I don’t think I’ll be going braless so I’m going to have to go home after work then back to the gym.

I think I’m losing weight from my brain.

***

Last night I went to the movies again – twice in one week is a major record for me, mostly I’m lucky if I go twice in a year – but sometimes a special movie comes along that you have to see. A movie that can’t wait even a day after release. A movie that changes your life.

Snakes on a Plane.

Possibly the best movie ever. I want to go see it again tonight.

***

I’m having fish for dinner tonight. I never eat fish. For years, I declared myself allergic to it (it’s always so much easy to say you are allergic to things than that you don’t like them). My sister and I were complete n00bs at the fish section of the market but, luckily, one of the stalls had handy posters describing the various fish varieties – their boniness and taste, etc. However the fish on their stall looked awfully dodgy so we went to a better stall but had to keep running back to check the posters.

We ended up with John Dory. I have no idea what that is like, but we are using the Lemon and Coriander Chicken recipe I posted a while back (except, obviously, with fish instead of chicken). Hopefully it rocks because fish is mighty low in calories.

Jeans and Things

I took the day off work today. I had a few medical things to attend to – nothing ominous – so figured I’d make a day of it. Headed over to Vic Gardens to do a lunch time spin class but was in mid-jeans try on when the class started – oops. I did manage to get some (non-shopping) cardio in though.

Sometimes I love shop assistants – the good ones, that make you try on styles you’d never consider yourself then tell you that you need a smaller size. Who’d have thunk that flares are the best style for me? Not me until today.

And black jeans – I’ve never owned black jeans before. Never. They look damn fine.

But wet weather and long jeans are not a winning combination.

As to the medical issues – I had a blood test this morning to see if I can ditch my diabetes medication. I hate blood tests – it’s not the needle, it’s the fasting beforehand. I can’t wait until after 9.00 to eat!

Then this arvo I had a myotherapy appointment. She cured pains I didn’t even realise existed. Woohoo! But she said I’d feel bruised and sore tomorrow so that’s not good.

Shrinking Eyes

Last night, I cut my writing class to go to yoga, then cut yoga and headed to the movies. I’ve been feeling so grumpy and out of sorts lately that some quality Johnny time was in order so we went to see Pirates (again).

And, of course, we hit the snack bar. I’ve done the healthy treats for the movies thing, and I’ve done the ‘it’s only 2 hours, I don’t need to eat’ thing. But let’s get real here, what’s a movie without a choc top? So I got me a choc top and then went to the help yourself lollie land. I used to hit those things with avengance. Cos, let’s face it, they are designed to make you over eat – and at $3 for 100 grams of lollies, they are laughing all the way to the bank at your gluttony. But last night I got a few things – one fantail, a small scoop of M&Ms and some raspberries and cream. Enough to feel like a treat but I didn’t come out of the film feeling like my insides were going to burst.

My eyes are shrinking – they’re no longer bigger than my belly!

Woohoo! I also had a couple of small handfuls of my sister’s popcorn. I don’t really like movie popcorn – it’s too salty and it makes my tongue hurt. If I want popcorn at the movies, I do make and take my own but I can live without it.

And the best bit of all – I don’t feel guilty. Not for skipping the gym, not for eating over my calories. I went for a run this morning (on top of doing gym tonight) to burn off the calories and I feel like a zillion dollars today.

Everyone needs a break at times and I feel like I’ve had my weight loss break and now I’m refreshed and ready for action.

I need some damn support!

I dragged myself into the gym tonight and started my warm up on the cross trainer when I felt a boing… damn convertible bra! The clip that holds the right bra strap came adrift. I thought I could slip it back (while still cross training cos I didn’t want my heart rate going down) but the catch thing had totally snapped.

Must remember – always take a sports bra to the gym. Is it just me or do other people have continous problems with convertible bras? I’m always having the straps coming unlatched and having to fix them. Like I’ll put the bra on and go to do it up and then strap will come lose so I fix that and another one comes lose! It takes an extra five minutes to get dressed in the morning. I’ll never buy another one ever. They are too high maintenance.

Luckily I didn’t need that much support for my workout. I don’t think running in a strapless bra would do me any favours!

I had weight loss rage today. I stomped down to the gym thinking – why do I have to do this? Every night it’s the same thing… gym, gym, gym. Why can’t I go home and laze on the couch with a family block of cadburys watching Idol like most everyone else in Australia? Even reminding myself that most everyone else in Australia is now obese didn’t help.

I’d like to say that a weights session and a spin class later, my attitude changed to sweetness and light but I’d be lying through my teeth.

I’m damn sick of Fitness First – they’ve spent thousands of dollars on plasma tvs for the gym so we can be bombarded with advertisements yet the sound system in the spin class is so crap you can’t hear the instructor over the music.

Although to be honest, you don’t want to hear him when he says: ‘Are you ready to rock cos I’ve got Acca Dacca coming up!’ then plays the gayest ever dance mix of Thunderstruck. This was after the dance mix of Smoke on the Water. Where do they get this music? Please tell me so I can pay them a visit with my lighter and kerosense. I mean dance music has it’s place. But don’t, please… I beg of you.. ever mix it with rock.

Some princess had her gear spread out all over the bench near my locker after my shower so I got my bag out and plonked it on top her stuff then laughed maliciously to myself because she wore an A cup sports bra.

I waited hours for the tram then, when it came into sight, I remembered I’d wanted to go to JB to get new headphones for my ipod. And why the hell don’t they make waterproof ipods? I try to keep my ipod on at all times at the gym except classes (I’d do it then if I could) but you can’t wear an ipod in the shower (or while getting changed cos there’s nowhere to clip it). I had to suffer some hideous bland commercial chick band then Franz Ferdinand — arrrgghh, like hearing them play while waiting for Iggy at the BDO wasn’t suffering enough.

Then I had the tram trip home — the other day a woman on the radio complained because everyone on public transport wears ipods instead of socialising with each other. That’s stupid because 1) no one ever “socialised” on trams and 2) who wants to? If i could, I’d build a bubble around me and keep everyone out for the whole trip. She should try catching the #68 tram and then we’d see how social she wanted to be!

There was one dude on the tram – he looked all corporate and suited up and he wasn’t actually talking to his friend (the one that no one else could see) but his body language and face gestures suggested that the friend was talking to him heaps! He kept nodding and laughing and looking serious – and no matter where I turned my head, I could see him.

After he left, we had a young guy wanting chocolate. He asked everyone on the tram until he got some. Then he sat back down and asked me if I wanted to look at his bag of pot. At least it was his pot and not his penis. Worst of all, he told me I looked like a “nice lady”.

There was a point to this post apart from me bitching about my day – oh yeah – I think I have weight loss fatigue. I thought when I got to goal, I’d be able to ease off a little – do a bit less cardio, maybe take a night off – but I don’t feel like I can. I have this fear that if I stop, all the weight will come flooding back. Like it did last week!

I’m sure I just need a good night’s sleep but today I’m damn grumpy.

Miscellaneous

If I read one more magazine that cites actresses like Liv Tyler and Kate Winslet as being “bigger”, I’m going to scream. I think what they really mean is “not corpse-like in their thinness”. I mean they are hardly porkers, are they? I’d be pretty damn happy to be as fat as Kate Winslet.

The other day I wore a pair of knickers to work and they felt a bit baggy. I checked the size tag (when I went to the loo, of course. I don’t wander around the office checking my knicker tags). They were a size 20-22. Luckily they had good, boingy elastic or they’d have been around my knees. Time to clean out the undie drawer, I think.

This was so cute: the other day I walked to work and a little boy came out his front door with his mum. He started walking beside me, swinging his arms with all his might and I realised he was racing me. So I picked up my pace and he picked up his. We were neck and neck until we got to the corner when I sent him back to his mum. But really I could have whipped his ass, cos he was only three!

I tried on some cute sun dresses yesterday and they were all too small – *sob*. What’s with that? I felt like such a lump. Well a couple fitted but they had high waists with gathering and that just makes me look preggers. The others barely fit over my boobs which was weird because normally my problemest area is my belly. My sister reassuringly told me it was the cut of the dresses, not me but I still pouted quite a bit.

Since rejoining Calorie King, I’ve been worried that I don’t eat enough protein. I should be having around 100 grams a day and barely get 50 grams. I hate the idea of supplements so am thinking of ways to get more in my diet. It surprises me how some foods you think of being high in protein aren’t – like chocolate, damn it. And yoghurt – a tub of yoghurt (well the Jalna one I have in the fridge at work) has 10 grams of protein. For the same calories, I’m having steak for dinner with 30 grams of protein. For half the calories, I’m having a coffee with the same amount of protein. Maybe I need to drink more flat whites!

I just bought tickets to see The Grates. Is anyone else into them? Great gym music. But bloody Ticketek — $8 handling fee. What a gyp!

I went to my old gym on the weekend. In one way, it’s stupid to pay to go there when I am already paying for my gym membership at Fitness First, but it saves going into the city on the weekend. I did a Pump class for the first time in months. Ouch! I thought it would be okay because I’ve been doing weights but not so. Still it didn’t seem to be as intense as I remember.